If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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