is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
