I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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