you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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