God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
