okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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