I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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