Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
