you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
