i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
