Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
