YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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