saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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