Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
