i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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