its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
