I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
