Just fell off a train. Bad.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.