I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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