the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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