Pass out mid-funnel last night.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
