i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
this boner is exhausting
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
