Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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