i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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