I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
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I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
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I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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