i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
