Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
