we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She bit a glass in half.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
