So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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