She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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