I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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