im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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