I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
