He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
