Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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