gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I want a musical about memes.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
