This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
