At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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