he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
