I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
