i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
