I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Help. Why am I so naked?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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