I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
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You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
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the night ended with taco bell and tears
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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