FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
