Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
