Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
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I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
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I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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