I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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