I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Randomize
