remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
