he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
