Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
