my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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