Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
