I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
