theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
