Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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