just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
